Random Thoughts On Blessing By An Insomiac

Posted in Insomnia on August 16, 2009 by anderpants

Blessed.

I was having dinner with some friends tonight and one of them shared how he feels like he’s the most blessed person in the world. It reminded me of a something I heard… Blessings are not safe to have until you’re willing to live without them. He’s the type of person that I know can have all these blessings because they don’t corrupt him.

Most people would love to have my life. Most people would say I am blessed. I’ve even heard people tell me that God’s favor is on my life. The problem is that I hardly recognize it and don’t really appreciate it even when I do. I should feel like I’m the most blessed person in the world, but I don’t. Sometimes I even feel as if I am cursed.

Cursed.

I remember this particular night a few years ago when I was at Wen’s house. I went over to talk about things. That’s when she told me that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. She was going to date someone else. I remember sitting there in disbelief. How did I get myself in this mess… again? I even laughed a little. When she asked me why I was laughing I told her that I think God hates me.

I really do feel cursed sometimes. It’s not because bad things are happening to me, but it’s because so many good things are happening but I can only focus on the bad things. It’s like being presented the most amazing meal but you can’t taste it because your nose is stuffed up.

Empathy.

A few years ago, I had a friend who was engaged to be married but they ended up breaking up. He was completely heartbroken. He started to drink and get into all kinds of destructive behavior. At the same time, he kept a front as he would lead at his church. I knew there had to be something wrong. I was so sad for him. I remembered that I even prayed for him.

He’s now engaged to someone else.

He couldn’t understand why it hurt so much when he and Wen decided to start dating immediately after things had ended between us. I can still remember how he treated me afterwards. I don’t think he cared. I think that’s why it hurt so much. It’s probably why it still hurts. I guess I was looking for a little empathy but all I got was a slap in the face.

It’s been a long time and I try to be normal about it… whatever normal means. Most of the time I play it off as if I’m okay with things, but the truth is I’m not. I can’t be. It’s been years but it still feels like it happened yesterday. It hurts to have someone you really care about betray you. It wounds you to have a friend break your trust and then not care that you’re hurt. It crushes you when it seems like no one else really gets it.

Wrestling.

I’ve had people tell me that God’s favor is on my life. He speaks to me in amazing ways that I can’t explain apart from the divine. I lost count of how many times I’ll pray certain things only to have God reveal exact, verbatim answers through sermons, books, and scripture passages.

A few weeks ago I was having a bad day so I pulled out a set of sermons on Jacob by Tim Keller. I love the story of Jacob because he’s just like me. I am the one that has God’s favor on my life but I keep looking elsewhere for blessing when all the blessing I need I already have. I am the one that wrestles with God.

The very next day I went to church and Jaeson Ma was speaking. I’m not into the Christian Charismatic movement but I can’t deny that God spoke through him. I asked him to pray for me after service and this is what he told me… He told me that he felt as if God was telling him that I’m like Jacob who wrestles with God. I went through a major loss but that was because it wasn’t what God had planned for me. He has different plans.

I started to tear up. I always get emotional when I feel as if God is speaking directly to me. It’s because I know He really hears me. His favor is really on me.

Favor.

In the book of Colossians in the Bible, it says that God was pleased to have his fullness dwell in Jesus. He had the fullness of God; He was ultimately blessed. But he gave it up. He became cursed so that we could be blessed.

There are so many things in my life that point back to God. He has never let me down. He has never disappointed me. Though I don’t always agree with how he does things, I know that they’re always for my own good and that it all goes to serve a greater purpose that I may never really understand. But even apart from that, I know his favor is on my life simply because of one thing… the cross.

Jesus became nothing so that I could have everything. I have to see that. I have to know it. And until I can see that I will never understand how blessed I already am… that his favor is on my life.

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